Low.

I am at an all-time low. I am worthless. I might as well crawl under a rock and die!


I used to think I was a horrible actress. My eyes give everything away and I’m quick to break down into tears. I used to think that. I didn’t think I would be strong enough to give out a performance like the one running through my head right now. And in the face of the enemy no less.

Yes, I had an audience. I only broke character when I was alone. I deserve an award. I also deserve a slap on the face, but that doesn’t count with how I feel right now. I’m torturing myself enough as it is.

The story? I skipped class Saturday morning. It turned out to be the worst decision I’ve ever made. I am a sad pitiful excuse for a human being. I guess I knew it would happen. I must be addicted to the pain. It must give me some sadistic high. Hearing the one name that used to send flutters banging on the inside of my stomach called after the one that pulls an almost ferocious snarl from my lips, I had to sit my sorry butt on the floor just to keep from keeling over. I held on to *Martin’s leg for support. Yes, there was an audience. But there were also witnesses. *Britney, *Mary, *Carle, *Barney and *Naruto were with me. Witnesses I love. Witnesses I tried to keep my tears from. I broke.

I could not be happy. No cheer or wish of congratulations escaped me. I hid in the restroom until I was sure I was composed enough to leave it.

I know I am selfish. But he is spoiled. He gets everything he wants. Absolutely EVERYTHING. In the face of all our friends, he is the abused. He seems to like that role better than I can play it. I am the overbearing ball and chain. No one wants to deal with the overbearing ball and chain. (I rolled my eyes as I typed that last sentence.) I have to keep everything to myself. Because if I speak, I am evil. I am evil now.

I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. I think I’ve permanently ruined my beautiful lace pillow. And for what? *Mary was right. Why should I bother getting mad over someone whose mouth I want to slap shut every time it opens?

If that were the only reason, then why am I feeling the abandonment in advance as I’m writing this at 7:30 in the morning?


*Names have been changed to protect my loved ones.

/edit:
(9:04 pm)

This was probably one of the most amazing days I’ve ever lived through. Even after all that, I still can’t shake that feeling. I’m such a glutton for pain.