On Building Relationships and Leaving...

If you’re looking for dirt on my love life, you are seriously wasting your time. You might as well click the little “X” on the top-right corner of your browser now. I need to get some things off my chest.



When I first started school I was four years old. I had just returned from my first trip to the US and didn’t think anything of speaking in English. You could single me out in class because I was fairer and a lot taller than my classmates. I was different. I didn’t like being different.

I had a best friend. She was the daughter of an American missionary who was based here in Cagayan. She had long blonde hair and gray eyes. She was different too. We became fast friends. This was not because of any discovered common interest or call of kindred spirits. We were put together because none of the other kids would play with us. We only spoke in English.

The year after I finished kinder 1, my blonde-haired, gray-eyed friend returned to her home in Oklahoma. I sat alone for most of the year. My Bisaya was already better than anyone believed possible. Still, no one would talk to me. With my best friend gone, I was alone.

I made another friend in kinder 3. Her name was Faye. She was bright and confident. I wasn’t as poised and cool. I was shy and I didn’t get along well with the other children. I was afraid she would make other friends and leave me behind. As insecure as I was, I made up my own friend and attempted to introduce Faye to the idea (I say idea because I don’t think there is an English pronoun appropriate for an imaginary friend).

I called her Angel. She was the same age as I was (or at least, was supposed to be) and had blonde hair and gray eyes. I drew pictures of her and showed her to Faye. I would give Faye the snack my Yaya packed for morning recess and tell her it was from Angel. I made up so many stories and gave up so many snack cakes that eventually, my Yaya found out that I was giving them away. Thinking that I was being bullied (which is ridiculous because I have never been bullied in all of my 20 years) into surrendering my snack, she confronted Faye. That was the end of Angel.

Faye and her family moved to Davao at the end of the school year (for reasons unrelated to that part of the story) and I started first grade alone again.

I guess what I’m trying to say with this very long and senseless narrative is that I’ve never played nice with others. I’ve never been friendly, or approachable, or open to anyone my entire life. I have always been anti-social but have always been afraid of ending up alone.

I have friends. I have wonderful friends. Ofcourse I do! But I know better than to feel secure in that. It takes so much for me to build relationships.
Payton Sawyer was onto something when she said, “People always leave.”

And when they come back…

If they come back…

They are never the same.